blog: Why do I have so many (negative) FEELINGS

Okay I am writing this right after a shower, so it might be hazy.

I just want to say that I spend so much time on thoughts that its depressing. I don't want to deal on big thoughts like life and death. That always fills me with a feeling like- I don't know. But it's grating and empty.
I'm a happy person. I have a nice life, good friends and little to no strife in my life. In fact, I can track all the strife in my life down to the trumpet, my instrument of choice.
I love playing an instrument, I love being in band. Really. But wow has it made me realize I some serious nerve problems. I always have, but this is up a notch.
I'm one of three third trumpets. We're all freshman. However, we all are really sort of mediocre. Considering the rest of the trumpets are fantastic, we really are bad. The other day we were called on to play a part with a few of the other lows, and I just froze up and didn't play. At all. And the other third also didn't play. I could not play with the rest of the band. I can't. Not at all.
And in private lessons, I am super concerned with other people listening in. I don't want lessons before band or the end of the day because others will hear me play.
And also I worry I am making a pathetic impression to the director. EVERY TIME HE COMPLEMENTS ME I START TO CRY. EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT NOW MAKES ME TEAR UP. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. Also I'm just not that great???

Anyways I'm not doing great. It strikes me I'm not really good at many skills like art or music but I really love art and music. No really.
I would love to be able to sing. I think singing is great. I however lack the ability to sing. Same with music. And arts. And many creative things.
I JUST WANT TO DO CREATIVE THINGS. And maybe the ability to make friends/ talk to people and be energetic and stuff would be great.
But instead I'm good at gaming (only sort of) and like, some parts of school I guess. Its not looking that great.

I should just wrap this up with this:
BAWWWWWWWWWWW

I last posted on halloween

I'm sort of losing this blog thing. Really.
So here's a quick update:

I GOT THIS FOR CHRISTMAS

I got better at dragons. (left)

Also I'm in high school??? Well, I was earlier, but this is where it begins to settle in. Ahead is PERSONAL SPEAK, just to warn you.

I really enjoy high school for two reasons

a) I can play gameboy in class and at lunch

b) I can finally focus on classwork.

I was mildly bullied in middle school, and in high school, everyone just leaves me alone. This is pretty pleasing, actually!

I also had a personal revelation: I'm really a protective person. Of pretty much everyone. This could either be good or bad. ;_;

Basically, I realized that I'm not jealous that my friends have other friends (I'm quite fine with it) but rather weirdly protective. I listen to them, and judge if they're good people or not. If I dislike them, I begin to worry excessively. Even people who aren't really my friends but associate with me are subjects to my constant worriment. 

Also, I sit alone at lunch. Well, recently someone has been sitting with me, so that's nice. 

I at first sat with a group, but as table moved, everyone moved away. I was content with sitting alone because I

a) Am pretty content with most things that aren't really bad

b) Felt like I was making a STATEMENT. I sit there, playing DS or reading I just think to myself, 

"I am defiantly alerting everyone about my greatness. They admire my ability to sit alone and not be a loser."

 I assume they're thinking, "That kid sits alone. Lol whatever."

One of the loves of my life has become a great bother to me lately. That is, pop culture and memes. I've always been a big pop culture person. I know about memes, right from the best source (ED).  However, it seems pop culture is on the rise in school. Somehow, other kids making jokes on what I used to joke about makes it lose its charm. The reason? Who knows!

If I want to get weird again, I ought to bring up this one girl. I have an innate dislike of her. I don't know really why, as we've had a whopping grand total conversation count of two, but she seems to also dislike me. I might dislike her because she's one of my friend's friends. As I said, I don't care that my friends have friends. But something about her just strikes me. I just really don't like her. 

She's not really that bad of a person. Sometimes a bit standoffish, a bit of a showoff. But it could also be because we are somewhat similar. We both are sort of internet-ing, video gaming girls. We're quite different beyond that, but we both fill the archetype well enough. 

On the other hand, she's really quite popular. And I'm not. (Well, I've been improving. Most kids don't like me more then a stranger, but some people are quite fine with me, and my friends are great.)

And also one kid who used to sit at my table, now sits with her. And this kid is somewhat annoying, but I can't help feel protective (again!) of him .I just feel like I would be responsible if something happened to him (or anyone!) Like I should have been there to prevent them from drinking, or whatever. And maybe I might have sort of liked him once. But I can't really remember.

All of this is sort of reading into the depths of jealousy, isn't it? I don't really feel jealous, but somehow writing all this makes it look like it. Writing all this is also pretty scary. I never intended for this.

Face mask

Retry!

So this is my new one.

I also fixed up Mr. Unique a bit. He needed more stuffing and eye adjustments.