Okay I am writing this right after a shower, so it might be hazy.
I just want to say that I spend so much time on thoughts that its depressing. I don't want to deal on big thoughts like life and death. That always fills me with a feeling like- I don't know. But it's grating and empty.
I'm a happy person. I have a nice life, good friends and little to no strife in my life. In fact, I can track all the strife in my life down to the trumpet, my instrument of choice.
I love playing an instrument, I love being in band. Really. But wow has it made me realize I some serious nerve problems. I always have, but this is up a notch.
I'm one of three third trumpets. We're all freshman. However, we all are really sort of mediocre. Considering the rest of the trumpets are fantastic, we really are bad. The other day we were called on to play a part with a few of the other lows, and I just froze up and didn't play. At all. And the other third also didn't play. I could not play with the rest of the band. I can't. Not at all.
And in private lessons, I am super concerned with other people listening in. I don't want lessons before band or the end of the day because others will hear me play.
And also I worry I am making a pathetic impression to the director. EVERY TIME HE COMPLEMENTS ME I START TO CRY. EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT NOW MAKES ME TEAR UP. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. Also I'm just not that great???
Anyways I'm not doing great. It strikes me I'm not really good at many skills like art or music but I really love art and music. No really.
I would love to be able to sing. I think singing is great. I however lack the ability to sing. Same with music. And arts. And many creative things.
I JUST WANT TO DO CREATIVE THINGS. And maybe the ability to make friends/ talk to people and be energetic and stuff would be great.
But instead I'm good at gaming (only sort of) and like, some parts of school I guess. Its not looking that great.
I should just wrap this up with this:
BAWWWWWWWWWWW
I've learned that if something is really stressing you out, you have to ask yourself, is it worth it ? Because sometimes it isn't. Maybe you know how to overcome this, and or want to tackle the challenge. But when I was running cross country I asked my self, i'm a stressed out wreck, do i really think it's worth it ? And really it wasn't. but music might be, you just sometimes might need a break to breathe a little and not think about things :)
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